“My spine has retained legal counsel.”

Today’s WordPress prompt says:

“Hit 5,000 steps today and drop your achievement here—we’re cheering you on!”

First of all…

I appreciate your optimism.

Unfortunately, my spine saw this prompt, immediately retained legal counsel, and has advised me not to answer any further questions regarding excessive walking.

We have been in contract negotiations for quite some time.

I say,
“Let’s go for a nice walk.”

My spine replies,
“Respectfully… absolutely not.”

I appeal the decision.

It submits a strongly worded rebuttal in the form of muscle spasms, nerve pain, and an occipital headache.

Case closed.

For those wondering how my fitness journey is progressing, today’s accomplishments include:

✔️ Made it to the coffee pot.

✔️ Walked past the laundry and mutually agreed to ignore each other.

✔️ Stood up without sounding like a bowl of Rice Krispies.

✔️ Successfully convinced myself that walking to the mailbox qualifies as endurance training.

✔️ Did not fall over.

My Fitbit, meanwhile, has started sending passive-aggressive notifications.

“You can do it!”

Can I?

Can I, though?

At this point, my Fitbit and my spine are no longer speaking to one another, and I’m simply trying to keep the peace.

Official Prescription

Take one deep breath.

Drink some water.

Apply glitter as needed.

Refills: Unlimited.

To everyone celebrating 5,000 steps today…

I’m genuinely cheering you on.

As for me, I’m collecting participation ribbons from my orthopedic surgeon, gold stars from my heating pad, and lifetime achievement awards in creative problem-solving.

Some days my victories don’t come with thousands of steps.

Some days they look like getting dressed, making coffee, laughing anyway, and refusing to let my body have the final word.

And honestly…

I think those count, too.