The Years I Learned I Could Survive

There was a season of my life I would call The Years I Learned I Could Survive.

It wasn’t one event.

It was years of believing I had to be stronger than I felt.

Years of trauma, addiction, broken relationships, chronic pain, shame, and trying to convince the world—and sometimes myself—that I was okay.

For a long time, survival was all I knew.

Looking back, I don’t think what got me through was extraordinary courage. Most days, it was something much quieter.

One more sunrise.

One more cup of coffee.

One person who believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself.

A notebook where I could tell the truth.

The stubborn decision to keep trying one more day.

Healing wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t happen all at once. It arrived in tiny moments that almost seemed too small to matter until one day I realized they had changed my life.

Today, I still carry some of those scars. Chronic pain didn’t disappear. Some relationships were never restored. There are chapters I wish had been different.

But those years also taught me compassion.

They taught me not to judge someone by the chapter they’re living in today.

They taught me that people are often fighting battles we cannot see.

Most of all, they taught me that hope is rarely loud. Sometimes it is simply the quiet decision to begin again.

If I could go back and speak to the person I was during those hard years, I wouldn’t tell them to be stronger.

I’d tell them this:

“Keep going.

One day you’ll discover that you weren’t just surviving.

You were becoming someone who could help others survive, too.”

And somehow, that makes every difficult chapter worth carrying.


Before You Go…

If you’re living through what feels like The Hard Years right now, I hope you’ll remember this:

The chapter you’re in is not the title of your whole story.

There are still pages left to write.

Not Every Thought Deserves Your Trust

 

“Be gentle with your mind”


I used to believe the goal was to stop negative thoughts from happening.

I don’t believe that anymore.

Negative thoughts often arrive quietly. Sometimes they sound like old fears, old criticisms, or old versions of ourselves trying to convince us that nothing has changed. I’ve learned that I don’t have to believe every thought simply because it crosses my mind.

When one shows up now, I try to pause instead of panic. I ask myself, Is this true, or is this an old wound speaking?

Sometimes the answer isn’t immediate, and that’s okay.

The best way I’ve found to deal with negative thoughts isn’t to fight them. It’s to meet them with curiosity instead of shame, acknowledge that they’re there, and then gently choose not to let them make today’s decisions for me.

Healing hasn’t silenced every difficult thought.

It has simply taught me that I get to choose which voice I follow.

 

The Kind of Chaos I’d Choose

“Not All Chaos Deserves a Place In Our Lives”

Is a little chaos actually good for us?

I think it depends on the kind.

Growing up, chaos wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t adventurous or spontaneous.

It was unpredictable.

It taught me to listen for changes in someone’s voice, to read the mood of a room before I stepped into it, and to prepare for storms that often arrived without warning.

That kind of chaos doesn’t make us stronger.

It makes us tired.

A peaceful front porch at sunrise with a rocking chair, warm blanket, lantern, coffee mug, and journal after a gentle rain.

            “Peace doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.”

 

For a long time, I believed peace would feel exciting once I found it.

Instead, it felt… unfamiliar.

I wasn’t used to quiet.

I wasn’t used to not waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

Healing has shown me that peace isn’t empty—it just doesn’t shout.

But there is another kind of chaos that I’ve come to appreciate.

A kitchen that’s a mess because friends stayed too long talking over coffee.

A grandchild’s toys scattered across the living room after a day of laughter.

Plans that change because someone you love calls and asks if you’d like to take a drive.

The creative mess of writing when ideas spill across notebooks faster than you can organize them.

That’s the kind of chaos I’d welcome.

The kind that’s created by living instead of surviving.

Maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate every bit of disorder from our lives.

Maybe it’s to learn the difference between what drains us and what fills us.

These days, I don’t chase perfect order.

But I no longer mistake constant turmoil for a meaningful life, either.

If a little chaos brings laughter, creativity, connection, or unexpected joy…

I’ll gladly leave room for that.

The rest?

I’ve worked too hard to find my peace to give it away.